Our conversations are becoming progressively more sickeningly adorable. ("You haven't changed much, as far as I can tell." "Neither have you. I'm glad." "Aww, me too.")

Immediately after it took such a turn, he updated his status to read that he "loves his life right now. :)"

...hrmm.

PANIIIIIIIIIIC

So okay, my, er, friend mentioned in previous posts? We're talking again like we used to. It's nice! It's been fun! We are a pair of smartasses! Everything's all good!

Only...uh...OKAY SO THANKS TO MY MOM AND HER FRIEND (who is also one of my Facebook friends and I don't really know why since I've only physically met her once but she's a cool lady and loves my art so WHATEV, RIGHT) he knows I am an ~artist~ of sorts but does not yet realize I am not actually the SRS BIZNES artist-artist THEY made me out to be. I doodle caricatures for people sometimes! This is the upper limit of my abilities! Most of my "art" is, well, you know.

THE PROBLEM, YOU SEE, IS THAT HE WANTS TO SEE MY ART. And that he is apparently an artist himself! Something I did not know!

I am lolsobbing as I type this, you guys. What am I supposed to do, just tell him "uh, sorry, I don't have anything for you to see"? Which totally makes me sound like a fraud! And I kind of want to see his art but kind of don't, because what if it sucks? What if it's really good? Either option is horrible to imagine! Whatever the case, I CANNOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES actually show him any of my art.

Ultimately I'm probably just going to play coy and be all, "no way, it's too embarrassing~" (which is not exactly a lie, but leaves WHY IT IS EMBARRASSING up to the imagination) and dodge any further inquiries. This is my plan. It's not a good one, but it's a plan.

p.s. he still hates my ex-boyfriend from high school FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON, s-should this make me smile as much as it does?

Unless you are being scolded by a large household appliance, the word is "reprimanded", not "refrimanded".

It's officially out. Er, the game, that is.

( Hearsay spoilers below~ )

I was in a sort of bad mood, so I decided to go looking for my Big Box o' Correspondence. See, I am a stupidly sentimental person, so over the years I've kept things like notes my friends and I passed in class (or between classes, as was our wont when we didn't have any classes together), letters, even stuff like fliers for local concerts I attended or school newspapers or whatever.

Upon finding my box of crap, I remembered that I had a letter in there from the friend on whom I have that insane and ridiculous crush! An actual letter! From when I moved away!

( blah blah blah weepycakes )

Apparently my uncle just came out of the closet. So this is forcing me to, er, mentally readjust some assumptions. As these things do.


This has been a...strange year for me.

Recently, my mom's father--my grandfather--and his wife, both of whom have very severe bipolar disorder, were placed in a care facility near their home in West Virginia. My grandfather has late-stage Alzheimer's disease. (As you may have seen me mention in previous posts, so does my grandmother, my mom's mother; my mom is, understandably, terrified, and so am I.)

My uncle, my mom's half-brother, became estranged from the family some number of years ago. The slow breakdown of my mom's family began when my parents divorced; some of them took my father's side, knowing little of the situation, and ties got severed. Eventually, my uncle and his wife divorced as well, and so I haven't seen or heard from my cousins in almost a decade. I grew up very close to my uncle and his family--both geographically and emotionally--and since he was only 17 when I was born and is not naturally great with kids, he'd always treated me basically like an adult, not knowing any other way to act. He had a lot of problems when I was a kid, like alcoholism and pretty serious drug abuse, but damned if a ten-year-old cares about that, you know? I adored him, and it broke my heart when he cut us off.

Due to this recent crisis, however, my mom and her brother have had to reconcile and put some of this ludicrousness behind them. So I got to talk to my uncle for the first time in ten years today! I was so happy, though it's obviously still kind of weird--he keeps referring to my cousins as "my son" or "my daughter" and I want to tell him, "Dammit, Jon, I know Matt and Corrie pretty well!"--but I really hope this doesn't just end up being a one-off thing. Seriously, dude had/has some serious issues, but he was my favorite, favorite relative as a kid and if things had been better for him when I was a teenager, I probably would've asked to move in with him.

(P.S. UH EXPLANATION FOR THE ICON: Doujima, left, is talking to his nephew Souji, right, about why Souji shouldn't be so formal with him. Because Doujima used to change Souji's diapers. And all.)

I don't know if I feel this way because I am in some sort of fit of pique or if I feel this way because I am now just weary of involving myself with the sort of guys for whom intoxication is an acceptable substitute for hobbies and interests. Probably both in equal measure.

I just think, "How much longer is he going to be like this?" and the prospects become unbelievably depressing.

It's like Ben all over again. (Ben was also very bright, another person who skipped grades and spent his school years in gifted classes. But at 26 years old, if I asked him what he did in his spare time, the answers were "smoke weed and drink". Ben did, however, have a very rare and elusive sparkling wit that made conversations with him actually enjoyable, despite his not really being all that interesting a person, ultimately.)

I mean, I don't generally think of myself as a nagging fun-killing harpie. I am hardly a nun myself! My past is somewhat checkered! But I have a fairly rich inner life with lots of interests, and I am about...95% capable of drinking alcohol in moderation. (The other 5% of the time, I am experiencing a terrible breakup or some sort of horrible traumatizing assault by an 80-year-old relative so yeah.) I guess I just find the whole "woooo beer and weed" frat-boy bullshit boring. Not to mention kind of sad once you're past, y'know, frat-boy age. I don't know. Maybe having to take care of family--having that kind of responsibility--has prematurely aged me. I feel too old.

So basically, what I'm saying is: unless you, mon cher ami, are going to post photographic evidence when you joke about drunkenly making out with your best friend, please grow the fuck up already. I know you have it in you! Remember when you used to sigh at me about being irresponsible? Ergh.

So I am sitting here checking my feeds (which, hey, thank you so very much LJ for fucking up and not delivering my feeds for three days and then BOOM three-day backlog all at once) when I see this post from Bitch Magazine's blog.

IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE SOME SORT OF SIGN.

BECAUSE I DON'T THINK THIS IS VERY FUNNY.


P.S. I hate the word "retrosexual" and I hate the person who coined it.

When I'm sick, as I am right now, or drunk, as I was after my last breakup, my brain gets dulled to the point where I start thinking that composing long letters to people is a good idea. This would probably be okay, sort of, if I weren't sort of "abuuuuhh..." from the fever or whatever, but if I weren't then I wouldn't want to bother. ("If they really wanted to hear from me, they'd write first" is my usual policy on such matters.)

So I went ahead and wrote a long and apologetic email to my erstwhile friend and, against my better judgment, sent it. It does not say anything about my recent epiphany. I am keeping that shit quiet outside of this journal.

I told him I hoped to hear from him but wouldn't hold it against him if he didn't get around to writing back. This is true; I will hold it entirely against myself.

From tauruschick12:

1. Reply to this post and I'll assign you a letter.
2. List (and upload, if you feel like it) 5 songs that start with that letter.
3. Post them to your journal with these instructions.

B is my letter, so B it is. Also, I am BOLDLY DEFYING THE RULES and doing 10 songs because I had so many awesome ones I wanted to share.

( Ten songs under the cut. )

That was...long.

Okay so it was a ONE-SENTENCE REPLY but at least that's something.

also he's a sailor now? WTF this is like the eighth person I knew from gifted-classes who joined the Navy I am so confused


P.S. this tag is swiftly turning into the "SAM LIIIIKES SOMEONE" tag du jour, isn't it

WHAT THE HELL, WORLD

JUST WHAT THE HELL


( SPOILER: Sam is pathetic. )

On a lighter note, my mom is currently helping my brother dye his hair. I just heard a latex glove snap and my mom cackling, "Bend over and cough." This is what my household is like.

Also, I recently lost about 7 lbs. without trying, so does this bode well for my results if I actually did try? SEVEN DOWN, A DEPRESSINGLY LARGE NUMBER TO GO.

So I was reading stuff on the MSN homepage, as I am occasionally wont to do because I enjoy being angry, when I encountered this article entitled "The 5 Lowest-Paying College Majors (and What You Can Do About It)".

You might notice something the first four have in common. Go on, give it a second to sink in.

OH RIGHT, THEY ARE FIELDS OVERWHELMINGLY POPULATED BY WOMEN.

The "advice" given is along the lines of, "try majoring in something more science-y!" and "perhaps you should change these to minors and major in something more career-oriented!" But the first three--social work, special education, and elementary education--ARE "career-oriented". And they are tough, important jobs requiring people who are damned passionate about what they do--which leads us to another fucking absurd piece of wisdom from the article: "be passionate! look at Martha Stewart, she's really rich!" Motherfucker, I don't think people become social workers or special-ed teachers because they want to be billionaires. I can't see any ethical way to become Martha Stewart-level rich off those fields anyway, no matter how "passionate" you are.

(I did appreciate the acknowledgment that people majoring in, say, social work are probably interested in social work, not physics or engineering, but this statement felt like it was delivered in a sneering "Maybe the science is too complicated for your delicate lady-brains!" way. Because it's not like social work is difficult or anything! Or that it is still incredibly alienating to be a woman in a science- or math-oriented field of study! It is not like I have ever been one of two women in an upper-level math course and felt a sort of unspoken pressure to be THE BEST because otherwise it would just prove how much girls suck at math! It's not like this is utterly exhausting and it's not like I took a lot of flack for choosing to pursue a "girly" field of study instead and it's not like people assume I'm a vapid bimbo for it! IT'S NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL, IS IT.)

But just because you've accepted that teaching elementary school or becoming a social worker pays jack shit doesn't mean it's right. The pay gap--the approximately $.75 women make to men's $1 in the US--is more complex than just paying women less to do the same work. (Though that's definitely and unavoidably part.) "Women's work"--fields traditionally dominated by women, like social work, child education, and counseling--is underpaid and undervalued. As the number of men and women working jobs outside conventional gender roles grows, this might change. But for now, the best piece of advice for financial success? DON'T BE FEMALE.

If it is in fact the case that Minako's Magician, Emperor, and Justice Social Links have been swapped for Junpei, Akihiko, and Ken, then the overall quality of her conquests has just shot up by, like, miles.

I don't want to break up Junpei and Chidori--hell, I don't want to break up Akihiko and Mitsuru (or Akihiko and Shinjirou), either--but think about it: Minako is (maybe) going to seduce the Dudebroiest of Dudebros, the ~*most popular*~ boy in school, AND an emotionally-damaged shota in tiny shorts. (Okay, so not so much with the last one. BUT I WILL WAGER ACTUAL MONEY that the end of Ken's Social Link will involve blushing and at least one "I love you, onee-chan~".)

That's in addition to two star athletes and a future doctor. Not to mention her pet lesbian robot (assuming the Aigis relationship isn't going to change drastically, and it really shouldn't, for plot reasons) and the hot Velvet Room attendant. All in less than a year.

Minako is truly formidable.


(I AM TOTALLY IGNORING THE PROBABILITY POSSIBILITY THAT ROMANTIC SOCIAL LINKS ARE NOT POSSIBLE ON THE GIRL PATH. THAT IS TOO DIRE AN OUTCOME TO EVEN CONSIDER.)

(also: cough cough GIP cough)

EDIT: THE TRUE DEPTHS OF MY NERDINESS: I have decided to name Girl!Protag (formerly known as Minako) Kozu Sayuri (小津 三有里) in my Japanese playthrough of the game. Allow me to explain!

Arisato Minato (有里 湊) is the Boy!Protag's "official" name (in the manga), right? And my first thought on seeing Girl!Protag was that she looked like Yuko from P3 and Yuzu from Devil Survivor did the fusion dance. So I decided her surname, then, would be Kozu--"ko" + "zu"* (even though in Yuko and Yuzu's names, "ko" and "zu" are written with the same character)--and lo and behold, it can be written to mean "little port" (小津). "Minato" (湊) is another way of writing "port" in Japanese!

Then I realized that the characters of "arisato" (有里) can also be pronounced "yuri", and add to that the character for 3 and you get "Sayuri" (三有里), a quite nice girl's name! (I could have left it at 有里 and called her Yuri or Arisa but I prefer Sayuri. "Kozu Sayuri" has a better sound than "Kozu Yuri", and "Arisa" is too obviously cribbed from "Arisato".)

YES, THREE YEARS OF JAPANESE IN COLLEGE HAS LED ME TO THIS.

*Before other nerds jump on this, yes, I do know the "zu"　of 小津 is more properly rendered as "dzu" or "du" but CLOSE ENOUGH OKAY.

Okay so I know I just posted an entry but this requires a separate post.

( Facebook and horrible shame: a tale of woe )


On a different note, the ex-friend mentioned in this entry also sent me a friend request. I mentioned there that she became a giant Neo-Nazi and that was what drove us apart. Well, now she's married to a Latino guy. Did she change? Was it a phase she grew out of? Who can say? I don't care to find out.

Also, my high-school ~mortal enemy~ (in the catty-teen-girl sense of the phrase, so basically an ex-friend who started spreading rumors that I was a pregnant crackwhore at 13) sent me a friend request, too. I guess she still wants to seem more popular than she is. Some people don't ever change.

EDIT: I replied to my friend mentioned in the cut text and basically told him to contact me through my regular email so that I can hurry up and delete my Facebook account already. WAITING ON A REPLY NOW. NOT BITING MY NAILS OR ANYTHING I SWEAR.

AHAHAHAHAHA. The Drama Llama has once again delivered unto Persona fandom a splendid bounty of wank. This time, it's "WAAAAAAAH THEY'RE MAKING ANOTHER PSP GAME WAAAAAAAAH IT'S P3 AGAIN WAAAAAAAAAAH," but it really doesn't matter what the specifics are because either way, all I can really see is "WAAAAAH I'M A BIG WHINY-ASS TITTY-BABY AND I WANT TO NURSE ON THE TEAT OF SPRITE-BASED NOSTALGIA FOREVERRRRRR."

Guys. Guys. The old games? Have SERIOUS FLAWS. Even Persona 2, a pair of games I love very dearly! When I recommend them to people more accustomed to newer games, they give up an hour in because the games are really boring unless you are a masochist or possibly a high-functioning autistic! This is not a sign of how awesome you are for plugging through the grindy, tedious gameplay and the huge learning curve and the dry, abrupt early plot; it is, in fact, a sign that the games are kind of poorly-designed! Sad, but true.

On the other hand, the later Persona games--3 and 4--have ANIME™ stories and characters, and art that runs the gamut from "uninspired" to "fucking ugly". But their gameplay is good! Really good! It's smooth and doesn't take twenty hours of dicking around to figure out (but, conversely, doesn't hold your hand and gently guide you through every step, either), and it's still unique and interesting. The games are a little lowest-common-denominator, sure--you'd never have seen a Hot Springs Episode™ in Eternal Punishment, for example--but they're fun and, most importantly, accessible.

Which is probably the problem--omg you guys, plebeians are playing our series now!!1--but that's a whole other discussion.

The other big argument, I guess, is that Atlus is focusing all their money and attention on Persona while the main Shin Megami Tensei series has been more or less left to rot since 2003. I mean, I want SMT4, too, but you've gotta consider what makes the money, you know? They aren't making video games for their health, dudes. And anyway, the last main-series game before Nocturne was in 1994, so really, start complaining in 2013.

At any rate, I want P3 Portable like a junkie wants a hit. Girl protag! PSP! Undoubtedly hilarious and insane explanation for any connection this actually has to the main Persona 3 plot! ATLUS IS TROLLING US SO HARD. Somewhere, Hideo Kojima is smiling.

EDIT: It got even better. Please tell me he is Elizabeth and Margaret's equally-slutty brother. I already love this terrible game.

(Though seriously, Soejima? You don't really think no one noticed that his character design is basically a slightly older, prettied-up Kanji, do you? I mean I'm cool with that and all but I'd like to see some of your old originality again. :/)

I returned from the funeral Tuesday morning.

I am keeping this entry public, not friends-only, despite the "private" nature of the content. My reasons are my own.

This entry is going to be long and complicated, so I'm going to chart some things out for you first.

( Cut for huge image, length, triggering, personal TMI, language, and just because it's polite. )